The cold feeling of the speculum had left me with a tactile memory of the discomfort. I don’t think I’d be looking forward to any Pap smear in the future.

Ate Phoebe helped me properly sit up as Doctor Castelo scribbled on my chart. Blood began to rush from my brain when I noticed patches of red on my hospital gown.

I broke into a cold sweat… Panic washed over me and I suddenly felt woozy…

I’ve read about this too many times in Medical-Surgical books to decipher what this is: hemorrhage. And it’s only a matter of minutes before I go into hypovolemic shock.

---

Translations:
Eres peor que una mofeta = You’re worse than a skunk
Incluso un burro sabe más que usted = Even a donkey knows more than you do

As I rounded up the corner where the security personnel pointed at, I immediately saw the title Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology etched atop the glass doors. Liz and my sister were inside the anteroom, occupying the second row with two pregnant women on Wendy’s left. Hell, that would be Carrie in a few months. I can’t imagine her walking around with a big belly, carrying our love child.

Sh*t, I really messed up. My parents are going to murder me. I felt a queasy, fluttering sensation inside my stomach as I entered, but the sensation delved into the deeper pits of my guts when I met my sister’s glare.

“You. Outside,” she mumbled crossly and the two of them stood up. “You lying son of a b*tch! Eres peor que una mofeta! El burro sabe mas que tu!” She practically went berserk as soon as we were outside the busy hallway. It made some people dressed in white to turn our way but it looks like she wasn’t about to stop anytime.

“Hey, don’t talk to me that way, Isabelle. I’m still older than you,” I warned her but she wasn’t putting her guard down. She even smacked me right on the head with her purse. “Jeez, are you keeping stones inside that bag?” The pain felt like she’d just cracked my skull open.

“You deserve more beating than that, you scumbag!”

She was about to hit me again but lucky for me, Liz intervened. “Stop it, you two. I didn’t bring you down here just to be at each other’s throats.”

She shot me another I’m-gonna-kill-you look and balled up her hands into a fist. “My best friend, Kuya, really? Were you that turned on during the night of our little brother’s birthday that you just can’t literallykeep your pants on?”

“Hey, don’t accuse me like I’m a sex addict, okay?” I said brusquely. “I’ve never been as blotto as I was that night so excuse me for doing things to the point of incomprehensibility. And stop acting like you haven’t done crazy stuff when you were sozzled because I still have photos to prove it.”

“Yeah, sure. As long as it’s not from a sonogram,” she sneered.

“Oh, you—” I didn’t even bother finishing my sentence when I saw Carrie’s older sister emerge from the clinic, fiddling with her mobile phone. “Phoebe!”

“What are you guys doing here?” She looked surprised but it was immediately replaced with relief. “They just wheeled her in Room 15. You want to see her?”

We all nodded and followed her. My body started to sweat profusely as we draw nearer to her room. “You go in first. I just need a minute,” I whispered to Wendy.

Phoebe asked worriedly, “Feeling okay, Wesley? You look ill.”

“I’m just tired. I’ll be there in a sec,” I promised and the three of them went inside her room.

I rested against the wall as I tried to get my breath back and erased my mother’s scowling expression and Katt’s tear-streaked face off my head. You can do this, Wesley. Carrie and I will figure something out. We can bounce back from this.

But all the self-motivation instantly vanished when I saw her lying on that hospital bed.

---

“She passed out in the examination room a while ago but her doctor said that her vitals are okay,” Ate Phoebe was telling us when the door swung open. Luckily, Liz and Ate Phoebe were both facing the other way so they weren’t able to witness how deathly pale my brother looked. I waved at him to come in but he just stood motionless in the doorway.

“Excuse me,” I politely said before leaving the room and escorting my brother back to the hallway. “What’s wrong with you?”

“I broke her,” he uttered under his breath while staring at his feet.

“You might need some air. And coffee,” I patted him consolingly on the shoulders and dragged him to Saint’s Café in the main building’s ground floor.

---

When I woke up, I was already tucked in a hospital bed with an IV fluid running on my right metacarpal vein. My sister’s neurotic personality had already gotten the best of her and insisted that I stay at the hospital for a day or two so they could closely monitor my status.

“I’m fine. I don’t see any reason why I should stay here,” I grumbled though I still feel a bit groggy.

“Hey, you don’t get a say to this unless you have the initials MD after your last name,” she muzzled me from yammering on.

“You need to rest, Cars,” Liz concurred. “I brought Wesley and Wendy along with me, by the way. They just went downstairs to get some coffee.”

“Thank you,” I mouthed when Ate wasn’t looking. I asked Liz to tell the tip-of-the-iceberg details to the two of them and leave all the gory explanation to me. I did plan to keep it from them but I figured this bravado would have to come to an end.

There was a light knock on the door before Doctor Castelo came in. “So how are we doing? Nauseous? Light-headed?”

I shook my head and grinned, “No morning sickness whatsoever.” I gave Liz a nod when she gestured to the door, sensing that we might need some privacy.

“That’s good to hear,” she smiled back. “There was a slight delay in the lab downstairs but after my initial assessment back there, the test result would only be nothing but irrelevant at this point.”

My sister, who was unpacking my stuff at that time, immediately stopped what she was doing and furrowed her brows. “What do you mean? That at this early stage of pregnancy the test is still inconclusive so we have to repeat it after a few more weeks?”

“No,” she gently spoke. “It’s irrelevant because Carrie is not even pregnant.”

---

I’m still mad for what he did but I know how much he can’t stand being inside a hospital and the prolonged exposure to ‘hospital smell’ as he prefers to call it. I ordered two cups of espresso to divert his attention nasallyand carefully placed it on our corner table.

“You suddenly being nice to your big brother who you were physically and verbally assaulting earlier,”he smirked, finally reaping his frame of mind back.

“What choice do I have? Blood is thicker than water,” I shrugged my shoulders. “Although I’m not even sure which got me more upset, is it because: (a) you slept with my best friend, (b) you got her pregnant, or (c) I had to find out from somebody else?”

“I’m really sorry,” he breathed. His eyes grew sad as he spoke. “I didn’t think it’d end up this way. I destroyed her life, Chi.”

“This ladies’ man personality has got to stop, Kuya. Wade and I pretty much stopped counting when you introduced us your seventh girlfriend when you were sixteen years old.” I reached for his hand across the table and added, “I guess this is a wake-up call for the two of you to stop playing the field and stick to permanence.”

A small smile formed from the corner of his mouth. “Are you sure they didn’t get your birth date wrong? Because I could’ve sworn that you are actually the firstborn.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m an old soul,” I rolled my eyes and we both laughed. “So, are you ready to go upstairs and see her?”

“I think I can handle it,” he sighed with relief.

---

---

We went by the gift shop first and he bought the biggest teddy bear inside and a bouquet of white roses. “You are so friggin’ tacky. Why don’t you get a box of chocolates with that?” I teased. But to my surprise, he actually asked the guy behind the counter if they had one.

“I was just kidding,” I exclaimed and told the cashier that we won’t be taking the chocolates. I’m a hundred percent sure that she won’t be eating those, especially now that she’ll be gaining weight much to her chagrin.

“Is there a possibility that she’s going to throw a bedpan at me when I set foot inside?” He was beginning to feel nervous again as he stood face to face with her door. “She’s hormonal and I have a hunch that she might not want to see me right now.”

“Do you want me hit you again?” I told him with a hint of annoyance and menace. “If she didn’t want to see you, then Liz wouldn’t have asked you to come here in the first place. Now open the door before kick you in the groin!”

“I’m going, I’m going! You don’t have to threaten me. Sheesh,” he carped and slowly turned the door handle.

She was already awake and her wan face immediately smiled from the hospital bed upon seeing us. “Hey,” I cooed. “How are you feeling?”

“I’ve had worse days,” she chaffed lightheartedly. “I’m glad you came.”

“I figured you’d missed me,” I joked back. “Anyway, you two have a lot catching up to do. I’ll be outside if you need me.” They both murmured their thanks as I closed the door behind me.

---

He was nervously fidgeting on his chair like he’s about to appear in front of a tribunal. “Are you sure you’re not hungry? Is the room’s thermostat too warm?”

“For the eleventh time, I’m fine,” I assured him. “Loosen up, okay?”

He ran a hand through his hair and inhaled deeply. “You wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for me, Carrie. Really, you should stab me straight in the chest right now. This is all my fault and I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”

“No one should be held culpable in this situation. Not now and certainly not ever.”

“I ruined your future,” he tearfully choked out. “But I swear to you, Carrie, that I will take responsibility for you and our kid. You can put your faith in me when I say this.”

“Wesley…”

“No, I’m serious. I will be by your side in every step of the way.”

“I have to tell you something,” I said, my voice changing into a pensive tone. “You don’t have to promise me anything because you owe me nothing.”

“No, I—”

“Wesley,” I shushed him. “It’s gone. The baby’s gone.”

His expression had changed from clueless to anxious in a matter of seconds. “What are you talking about?”

I gently grasped his hands between mine, trying hold back the waterworks. “I had medical condition called anembryonic gestation. I really did get pregnant but the embryo had failed to develop, so termination of pregnancy is expected.”

“Termination?” he echoed with a pained expression. “I don’t understand. I had a plan, Carrie. I had it all worked out for the three of us. I… I…” He broke off and covered his trembling lips with a clenched hand.

I wrapped my arms around him and kept on mumbling, “I’m sorry… I’m very sorry…”

“No, you shouldn’t apologize,” he sniveled. “I’m so sorry for making you go through this. I should take the blame for everything that’s going on. The whole nine yards is in tatters because of me.”

“Of course not,” I whispered as I cupped his face in my hands. “It’s all part of God’s will, Wesley. I guess we’re not ready to have a kid, yet alone raise it together,” I kidded to lighten things up. “We need to wipe the slate clean, do you understand me?”

He nodded and sloppily wiped the excess liquid in his eyes with the back of his hand. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“Now that you have Katt to take care of, you need to start doing things differently this time so you won’t make the same mistakes. And I promise to do the same thing with my life. Agree?”

“Agree.” He took both of my hands and kissed it and chuckled with tears in his eyes. “I was actually hoping it’d be a boy.”

Me too, Wesley. Me too…

---

Liz offered to give me a ride but I figured I had to do this alone. But after a couple of left and right turns, I’m starting to doubt my navigational capabilities. I know it was along the lakeside lawn of Karangalan Road, or was it Maharlika?

It was already sundown so it became more difficult for me to sift through the huge memorial lot of Heritage Park. But when I saw a group of people heading to a nearby dock, I carefully pulled over.

I carried the six-pack of Carlsberg together with a posey of calla lilies when I climbed out of the car. The last time I went here was on the day of his funeral. His granite headstone still bore the same luster as though it had a thick coat of polish and its epitaph skillfully carved by hand.


“Hi, Kuya,” my voice broke as I relived the terrible experience of four years ago. “I told you I’ll bring booze on your first death anniversary. I kept my promise. I just wish you did, too.”