Chapter 11: Without a clue.

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“I’ll just take a look and then I’ll leave immediately. Five minutes. Just five minutes,” I said to myself over and over. But the more I recite it, the more unconvincing it sounds.


I carefully parked my car in front of his art exhibit. I stepped out of my car even though I have no plan of going in. No one was behind the information desk, which was a good thing because I didn’t need anyone to know that I went by.


I leaned against the car door and let my eyes wander on the current displays of painting. Despite the sudden hit of pangs, I didn’t care nor paid any attention; instead, I continued staring at the familiar bits and pieces of its interior. The walls, corners, floorings, divisions… it’s all still the same as I remembered it.


I sighed. Our home away from home, as Ralph would always describe it. It was where he told me that he’s starting to fall in love with me, while sketching my portrait. And it was also where I told him that I was falling for him too. It is our happy place. No… it was.


But Ralph really is a wonderful artist. I can still vividly remember our everyday routine. After class, we would go here directly and set up. I’d help him put newspapers on the floor, underneath the canvas, so he won’t stain any part of the flooring. I would sit quietly in the corner as he sketch and paint. He’ll be too engrossed in his work but he would still manage to joke and play around. I would watch in awe as he finished each amazing detail.


During our first year anniversary, he gave me an abstract painting of my favorite flower, a stargazer. Even though he only used the color white, black and yellow in the painting, it was brought to life magnificently.


But I returned it to him after we broke up because I every time I look at it, my heart throb uncomfortably. As much as I wanted not to let go of something so beautiful, so surreal… I know I was only risking myself in a more painful situation.


Not seeing the stargazer painting hanging anywhere is a good sign. It means he has moved on. And I should, too…


I heaved another sigh and went back in my car. The digital clock in the dashboard caught my attention. Just as expected, my five-minutes mantra was useless.




I decided to go to St. Francis’ Church before heading to Fib. I really needed a moment of contemplation after my sudden visit at his exhibit.


I noticed a red MB car parked two blocks from where I settled my car in. I guess somebody’s visiting Father Ramon, too.


I stepped out of the car and climbed the short flight of cobblestone steps. I was about to enter the church when I saw Father Ramon talking to the last person I was expecting to see here.


Ralph.


I cringed on the spot. I felt the urge to run back to my car and leave before he can even caught sight of my shadow.


I shook my head. No, I wouldn’t let anything, especially him, stop me from attending my spiritual needs. I decided to take the back door entrance.


I could hear their conversation as I enter the antechamber leading inside the church. Well, not that I mean to eavesdrop but it’s not my fault that the walls reverberates the sounds inside and creates echoes.


“The date of the wedding is not final yet, Father.”


“Ralph, are you sure that this is what you want? Getting married is not as easy as you think it is.”


“Father…”


Father Ramon sighed. I could already see them from where I was standing and I know that if I took a few steps more, they too would spot me.


Father Ramon clapped his shoulders, “Don’t hesitate to come and visit whenever you need someone to talk to.”


“Thank you, Father,” Ralph said before he left.


I lingered for a while just to be sure that he’s finally gone before I approached Father Ramon. “Father,” I greeted him with a smile.


I might have startled him a bit since I didn’t come in through the front door. “Ginulat mo ako, Wendy,” he chuckled. “How have you been?”


I came closer and took his right hand and pressed it against my forehead. “Mano po, Tito Mon.”


“God bless you, my favorite niece.”


Father Ramon, or Tito Mon as we call him at home, is Mom’s youngest brother. St. Francis’ Church has been very close to my heart predominantly because this is where Tito Mon is. It has been 15 years since he became a priest and 13 years since he became the parish priest of St. Francis’ and the rector of the adjacent Catholic school.


Even though I attended a Catholic school during my elementary and high school years, it was Tito Mon who mainly taught me the teachings of the Bible. I became closer to God because of his tending.


I always go directly to Tito Mon to confess when I needed to push the clouds away from my thoughts. Partly because I know Tito Mon wouldn’t convey my problems with my parents, as part of the guiding principles of confession.


“I’m sorry I wasn’t able to catch your game, Wendy. I was tasked to do the ceremonies today,” he said with apologetic eyes.


“It’s okay, Tito Mon. I understand. At least, Mom watched,” I grinned.


“Really? That’s wonderful! At least my sister realizes that there is life outside her office,” he laughed.


“Well, she was late and missed some parts of the game, but she finally settled in during the last set and watched until the game ended.”


“Wait, so did you win?”


“Of course, Tito,” I shrieked, which boomed all over the church.


He shushed me as we suppressed our laughter. “Let’s go outside. The other priests would scold us both if we try to make another noise again,” he snickered.


As we made our way outside, I narrated to him how the volleyball match went. We sat on the stone benches beside the water fountain. “And I won the MVP award.” I proudly showed him the medal that’s still hanging around my neck.


“Congratulations, Chi,” he smiled and patted my hand. I smiled back but it didn’t reach my eyes and Tito Mon noticed. “What’s wrong, hija?”


“Tito… I saw you talking to Ralph a while ago. I didn’t mean to snoop or anything,” I hesitated.


“It’s all right, Chi. You’re wondering what we talked about, aren’t you?” I nodded shyly. “He told me that he’s getting married. I guess you’ve already heard that news?”


I tried to hide my sudden wince. “Yes, Tito. In a very unpleasant situation.” Thanks to Bianca. “But what is it that he wanted to talk to you about?”


“He wanted to ask if I could be the celebrant of their ceremony,” he informed me.


“Did you agree?” I was hoping he would say no, but knowing Tito Mon… he would never decline any form of helping out, especially if it involves his duties as a priest.


“Of course, hija. The boy asked nicely and that’s the least I could do for him as our Lord’s servant.” I hung my head low in response. He held my hands gently. “I know, Chi-chi. As much as I wanted to refuse and be on your side, I should think of my duties as a priest above all.”


“I know, Tito,” I whispered. “I just…” I trailed off.


“You’ll be all right, my child. You’ll be all right,” he assured me with smiling eyes. “So, when is the victory party?” he asked, trying to lighten up the mood.


I suddenly stood up and remembered my waiting troupe at Fib. “Hala, Tito Mon! I totally forgot that my team’s waiting for me at Fib!”


“You better go ahead then. We’ll catch up again next time.” I gave him a hug and he planted a kiss on my forehead. “Drive safely. I’ll see you and the family on Sunday.”


I nodded and waved before I turned and I walked my way back to my car.


I climbed down the cobblestone steps half-running. Crap, Carrie’s going to kill me!


“Sabby.” I was startled and saw Ralph standing a few footsteps beside me at the end of steps. I didn’t notice him there.


I pretended not to hear him, which was impossible if you think about it, and walked past him, heading to my car ― to my escape.


“Wendy, can we talk?”


Great.


I replied without even looking at him and continued walking, “Ralph, I need to get going. Carrie and―”


“Please?”


I heaved a loud sigh and shook my head. My list of regrets are about to pile up more. I turned around to face him. “Keep it short,” I said sternly.


He was standing in front of me; his hands were in his pocket, just like when he’s feeling tensed. “I’m so sorry you had to find out about the wedding in the most inappropriate way possible. I… I never meant… I never meant… to hurt you, Wendy,” he struggled.


I scowled instantaneously. “You never meant to hurt me? What a plausible thing to say, Ralph.” What a great conversation starter to enrage me.


I started walking away from him but he suddenly grabbed my wrist. “Wendy, please…”


“Ralph, don’t,” I tugged my hand away from his grip and glared at him. “You broke up with me, without even giving me the slightest reason why you did. And shortly after, I found out that you’re getting married. I don’t know which hurts more actually.”


“Wendy, you don’t understand. I―”


“Yes, Ralph! I do not understand,” I yelled at him. I didn’t care this time if my uncle or the other priests would hear me. “You didn’t give me the chance to understand.”


“I can explain,” he pleaded.


“I already gave you that chance, Ralph. There’s nothing left to explain. And nothing left to understand.”


“Wendy, listen to me. Please… Be rational.”


“Be rational? Are you hearing yourself? If there’s somebody here who’s irrational, it’s gotta be you, Ralph!”


“Please, Sabby… Here me out.”


“I wanted to, Ralph. But I just couldn’t take it anymore. I can’t stand to be in the same place with you even for a minute and it makes me feel more and more stupid each second I spend hovering with you. It just reminds me of your betrayal.”


He went closer to me. “I hate myself more for putting you in this situation. It’s unfair,” he shook his head.


“It is unfair. Especially to her,” I reminded him.


“I care more about you.” he spoke with utmost certainty.


“She’s going to be your wife. You have to start learning to care for her. And loving her,” I replied coldly.“It’s not wise for me to stay close to you, Ralph. The wounds still haven’t healed yet. And I’m being disloyal to my siblings just by engaging a conversation with you.”


“Tell me you miss me,” he blurted out.


I was speechless. I didn’t see that one coming. “Do you miss me, Wendy?” he tried again and held my hand this time.


I was never a good at lying so I had to look away from his gaze so that he couldn’t read my face. “No,” I replied.


“No?” he whispered. He reluctantly let go of my arms and stepped back. “I’m sorry. It wasn’t wise of me to do that. I’m sorry for bothering you.”


I turned my back against him and reached for my car door.


“But I miss you,” he mumbled when I was about to set my foot in my car. “Every waking day,” he added.


I stood there motionless for a long time before I finally had enough courage to look back. His expression was sullen, but not lying.


Why is he making moving on hard for me? Why does he have to complicate things just when I could finally peer through the light?


It took me a lot of effort not to respond something stupidly martyr like ‘I miss you, too’ or ‘I still love you’.


“Goodbye, Ralph,” was what I managed to respond. I stepped inside my car and closed the door.


My phone, which was left on top of my bag on the passenger’s seat, was ringing. I flipped it open to answer.


“I’m sorry, Carrie. I’m stuck in traffic,” I lied, but even to me my voice sounded blank. “Yeah, I’ll be there in 10 minutes. Okay, see you in a bit.”


From my peripheral view, he was still standing outside and looking at my direction. I pulled out of the parking space fast enough before he could notice the tears welling up from my eyes.


I fought the tears back as I parked the car in front of Fib. I fished my compact out and put on some make-up to cover up the traces of tears. I don’t want Carrie to be suspicious and make a fuss out of my red-hazed eyes. Putting her in the dark about my encounter with Ralph would be better than the opposite. And I have to make sure that my smile and other reactions won’t betray me today just to be sure.


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